Tomorrow is Michaela's birthday. I have struggled mightily with what to do with this day since she has been gone. For some years, I had a group of friends who came to my house, and we would sit in a circle and remember Michaela. But time and tides ended that practice. For years after that... Continue Reading →
Michaela, never forgotten
This is a difficult morning. It started out with a dream in which I was supposed to be giving some public address. I was in a strange place, and for some reason I couldn't shower, or wash my hair, and I had no blow dryer or straightener, so I had this huge bedhead which people... Continue Reading →
Thoughts about dying
For the most part, having cancer is something that hangs out in the background of my mind, shadowing but not a part of my life. It's not a problem in the present, except in the efforts to keep it from becoming a problem in the future. Even that, I have certain specific fears. I fear... Continue Reading →
I dreamed I was dying
Last night I had a dream that I was dying. It was a procedure that took several days. Each day I had to take a different set of pills, and then I had to complete a task, and on the fourth day it would be complete, and I would leave this life. One day I... Continue Reading →
Do not be afraid
I had my regular check-up with my oncologist yesterday. I have these every three months, and they basically consist of blood tests, a chat and a physical exam, checking lymph nodes, etc. It is now a year and a half since I finished treatment, and at every checkup I get a reassuring, "everything looks good,"... Continue Reading →
Facing into the light, facing into the dark
The following is from my previous blog, and was originally published in July 2017. In nine days I will have finished chemotherapy. It has not been nearly what I’d feared it would be. The side effects were subtle. The nausea was fairly easily controlled with medication. I got one mouth sore, and my fingertips cracked... Continue Reading →
If you only read one thing I have written, let it be this
The following is the draft of the final chapter of the book I have been working on. The book is called Dragons in the Garden, and is about parenting in its very broadest sense. The first chapter is called The Bravest Thing, and is about the courage we all display in putting our hearts on... Continue Reading →
Into the darkness
For those of you who insist that I am so strong, so brave, yada yada, I thought it might be educational to tell you to what depths my soul can cower, and the relatively small things that can drive it there. Like heat. We have had a heatwave here in the San Francisco Bay Area... Continue Reading →
Facing into the dark
In nine days I will have finished chemotherapy. It has not been nearly what I'd feared it would be. The side effects were subtle. The nausea was fairly easily controlled with medication. I got one mouth sore, and my fingertips cracked and peeled. I have a tiny bit of nerve damage in three fingertips on... Continue Reading →