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Dream about Michaela

I do not ever dream about Michaela. But last night I had a dream that touched me deeply. It was odd, and Michaela was both herself and not herself, and the circumstances were different and odd, but it filled my heart. In the dream, I was running around town and I got a call from... Continue Reading →

Dear Michaela

Dear Michaela, I was thinking about this blog this morning, and my letters to you, and why I do it. I have gotten to the point where I bristle when people want to talk about your¬†case. It literally sends bad feelings up my spine. No surprise, I guess. It will be thirty years this year... Continue Reading →

How to survive an MRI

Let me assure you, I have¬†extreme claustrophobia. I have had claustrophobic panic attacks driving into an underground parking garage. I have to practice deep breathing exercises to get through some of the line for Indiana Jones at Disneyland. Airplanes are decidedly outside my comfort zone, and the back seat of a two-door car is simply... Continue Reading →

2018, Let’s be (mostly) honest

Let's not mince words: 2017 was a shitty year. Well, not altogether I guess. Chemotherapy was very restful! So many days of napping! That is really a perfect picture for 2017. It was filled with curses that had their blessings, as well as blessings that occasionally felt like curses. It was kind of like all... Continue Reading →

Status of the Investigation

I'm happy to say that there continue to be new people learning about Michaela's story on a regular basis, or people who have not been reading my blogs for a long time anyway. One of the things these people are always concerned about is getting people to come forward with information. This is a logical... Continue Reading →

Cancer as healer

I am so excited! Reconstructive surgery is officially set for January 17th. I am a bit apprehensive about the procedure itself. It's no short, quick fix, it's a DIEP flap reconstruction on one side and a reduction on the other, with three surgical sites, some large and complex. It involves transplanting arteries from my abdominal... Continue Reading →

Weeping

Sometimes I crawl inside my mind and it is so dark, so lonely. In my chest I feel an ache, and I weep. It is my infant self weeping because I am left alone with my sadness, my fear, all the needs that I have no way of fulfilling for myself. My mother thought that... Continue Reading →

Breast Cancer: the aftermath

Even though I am, at this moment, cancer free, I am still trudging down this road. I have one more surgery to go, and I have just this week been accepted into the active arm of a breast cancer research study. Because, being cancer free doesn't really mean you are actually cancer free. Those little... Continue Reading →

November 20th

I watched the day dawn on November 20th, 29 years ago. I had spent the night pacing. I had spent it kneeling in front of my couch, praying, begging. I had spent it standing in my front door, gazing down the street in the direction I had seen Michaela disappear the day before, straining to... Continue Reading →

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