I have been having a really difficult time coming here to write. I am feeling very censored. I have had people spend years telling me what not to say and to whom, and that has an impact even if I recognize they don’t have that right. My experiences on Facebook in recent times have impacted me as well. Partially this is because I recognize my own complicity in this, even if it is just my manner of writing, the way I express myself. I am really working on this one. And partially, I keep thinking, oh no, they will find this boring, or they won’t like this. And maybe you won’t!
I know you all want to hear about Michaela, and I am going to write a blog about her soon, although it probably won’t be what you want it to be. But when I write about myself, I often think, who am I to be writing about myself on the internet, my thoughts, my feelings, what is going on in my life?
So how about it? As I crawl out of my hiding place, do you want to hear about things? There are things I will continue to post about in my adventures through life, but how about other things? Like, I read the Bible regularly, and I follow a method of journaling about the things I read, which often reveals amazing things to me! But would you find them amazing? Do you even want to hear? And on the other hand, does it matter if you want to hear? Maybe one person needs to hear, so maybe it doesn’t matter if all the rest of you hate it.
And politics. You have to understand, politics isn’t about Politics to me. My heart breaks wide open to embrace all those who are in need, who are marginalized, who are hurt, for whom there is no justice. I oppose anything that is in opposition to justice for those people. I oppose anything that is in opposition to giving help to those who need it. We are a family and we are supposed to love and care for each other, not hurt each other.
Then there is the intermingling of the two. I recently read Amos. I am currently reading Isaiah. These are a balm for me, because while I am dismayed and set adrift by those who claim to be Godly but who are bent on denying justice to those in need, reading these books reminds me that those people are not representing the heart of God, and it is the heart of God we are to seek and follow.
Yep, getting into it already. And then, should we talk about the existence of God in general? I don’t claim to know all about God, but there has been too much synchronicity in my life for me to not believe. There has been too elaborate a plan that has unwound in my life without my intervention. And while I have struggled and still do struggle with Christianity, it has pulled at my heart ever since my non-religious childhood.
You don’t have to answer this. Honestly, if you don’t want me to talk about things, you don’t need to tell me at all, because I have heard enough of that to last my lifetime. On the other hand, if anyone would care to give me permission to speak, I actually kind of need that. And these are the things that occupy my mind at this time. These are the things I want to learn to engage in discussion about, anchored in kindness and love.
Thank you. I will be back in a couple of days to talk about something or another. In the end, I suppose it’s just a matter of having the courage to be me, regardless of the consequences.
I love you for being here.