Missing Michaela

This morning, before I was really awake, at the trailing end of a dream, the thought came to me that I should finish writing my book, Missing Michaela. Now I did finish this manuscript once, 25 years ago. But I look back on the world and myself then, and, well, it’s like looking back on childhood. There is an innocence necessarily lost when your child is kidnapped, but it is nothing compared to living with a missing child for 31 years. When I originally wrote this book, I had an agent who sent it to some publishers, and they liked it, but they wanted a resolution. Well, I still don’t have perhaps the resolution they wanted, which is an answer to what happened to Michaela. But there are other resolutions I do have. And there are other resolutions I badly need.

I was reading an article recently on the psychology of cancer. It described the cancer personality type, which fit me to a T. And it described the etiology of cancer, in unresolved trauma and repressed feelings. And that also is me. Repressed feelings. I have a number of traumas in my life I haven’t dealt with, but losing Michaela is, well, a monolith that reaches from earth to sky. Honestly, I don’t see how you can do anything else with feelings that are just SO HUGE besides repress them. I can’t even imagine what they might do if they were set free. Distract and deny, that has been my coping mechanism. What’s more, I have no idea anymore how to set them free. I have no idea how to unearth them from the gigantic pile of denial it has taken to keep them underground in order to survive.

But perhaps now I need to do that. Because perhaps now repressing them does not contribute to my survival. In fact, if the psychological oncology has anything to it, it might be leading to my death.

I have written Michaela’s story a million times, or so it seems. And I have told it probably even more often. It has become almost rote. I remember after Jaycee Dugard was found, and I was doing numerous interviews each and every day for a month, how hard it was to answer the same questions over and over again. Exhaustion, both physical and emotional, set in so that I kept wanting to say, “I already answered that question a dozen times today.” I wanted to sit there with glazed eyes and slip into a monotone of not feeling it, but I couldn’t. I had to dredge it all up fresh, each and every time. It was a special type of torture. But it seemed worth it. Michaela’s name was everywhere. Particularly with the internet, her case got more publicity, I think, even than it had when she first went missing. And that was when I believed publicity could help.

When I think about telling it all again, one more time, I feel like I am standing at the bottom of a tall, steep mountain I need to climb. But perhaps now is the time, not because I have built up the necessary strength, but because I have become so weak I need to do it to build my muscles before they waste away to nothing.

And anyway, we ignore our waking thoughts at our peril.

I have more to say on a lot of these things, particularly on the psychology of cancer. I’m setting off on many paths from this starting point. I have a lot of things to resolve, a lot of forgiveness to spread around. I have to stop trying to destroy myself basically. But apparently one of the things I am going to do is start rewriting Missing Michaela. This will be difficult. Please pray for me.

Sharon

14 thoughts on “Missing Michaela

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  1. I have followed your story my whole life, I lived in Hayward when it happened, often thinking about this tragic day. It’s been 31 years but I can still shed tears over this story. God Bless you Sharon❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Michaela is one special child. She gets so much love and prayers ❤ sent her way from complete strangers. And she has a mother who is absolutely beautiful and strong inside out. Lots of love and prayers ❤ 🙏 from Southern California.

    Zahra.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I have followed your journey for 6+ years and have prayed for you and Michaela throughout. My constant prayer is first, that you be reunited with your beautiful girl and are able to wrap her in your loving embrace. Second, that it will be made known to you if that will not happen, this side of heaven. I weep as I write this…from my momma’s heart to yours, I pray for the comfort or pain of just knowing! You have so many prayer warriors following your journey ❤❤

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope you find this beautiful young lady or at least find out what happened to her. Have you had an age progression of what she might look like now? Or anything with ancestry DNA to see if maybe she had submitted DNA searches?? God Bless!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. We do not use age progressions because they are highly inaccurate, and nobody is going to recognize Michaela on the street. It just generates calls that wastes the time of investigators, who already don’t have enough time for a 31 year old case. But I have done both Ancestry and 23andme. No hits so far.

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