Schizophrenic gratitude

I have seen a lot of people posting gratitude journals online. I’ve thought about it, but, well, life has been a bit hard lately. This morning, however, I realized that I have a lot of gratitude. It’s just a bit schizophrenic. For example, I am grateful for:

  1. Hot showers. I always hate to get into the shower. I just don’t want to stop what I am doing, step out of the world, and get into the shower. But I do, it is always a gloriously pleasurable experience to have that hot water running over me, not to mention the sweet clean feeling afterwards.
  2. I am grateful that I am not in control. No, really, that is not true. I really want to be in control. I would like to have a magic wand to wave and I would change several things immediately, and not in my own life alone by the way. My inability to do this has caused me extreme distress lately, as well as temper tantrums, pouting, and some stern conversations with God, . Last night, however, it just all got to be overwhelming, and I surrendered. I said, okay, I don’t know everything. I will admit that my underground emotions and passions are in control a lot of the time, and while I think they are beautiful and wise, hey, I don’t know, particularly when it has to do with other people’s lives. So I sighed a big sigh and gave it into the control of God and the Universe. The emotions are not gone, but I have put a lid on my sense of having to be responsible and to control what everyone else says, does, thinks, and feels, and just given it into control of a higher power. Well, mostly. Maybe not as much as my kids would like. But I’m just gonna trust that higher power, because there really just isn’t another choice.
  3. I am grateful for a trip to the fair yesterday with my husband, my daughter, and my grandson. I just happened to watch the local news yesterday morning and I saw that the opening event for the fair was a cattle drive down Main Street, and I thought, hey, Theo (my two year old grandson) would love that! Everybody happened to have the day off work, and agreed, so off we went. Then it turned out to be dollar day at the fair, so we all got in for a total of $3, instead of the $45 it would usually cost! It was a fun, fun day. I am grateful for the energy and ability to go, because I missed it last year because I was in the middle of chemotherapy. I am grateful for the almost 13,000 steps I got in, even though I ate fair food. I am grateful also, because I fell in love with a cow at the fair. She was obviously well cared for, with a teenager and a younger girl both brushing and combing her, but her face was harnessed to the railing, which was causing her distress. We looked into each other’s eyes and I told her I would set her free if I couldn’t, but we had to file that under gratitude point number 2. Meanwhile, she had her baby with her, which is a blessing.
  4. I am grateful for my hair. It is too thin still, but I do have hair, which I didn’t last year. And it’s pink, and I get lots of compliments on it because of that.
  5. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for my husband, who has been a rock and a helper, and patient and loving through the whole ordeal of the last couple of years, and for my children, even the ones I rarely see, because they are the light of my life, and for my grandchildren, all my grandchildren, but especially two-year old Theo, not because I love him more, but because he lives with me and his little baby face and toddler talk fill me with delight on a daily basis, which has been a godsend in the last couple of years.

2 thoughts on “Schizophrenic gratitude

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  1. I can totally relate and being that I am stuck being dangerously sick and not knowing my future but being afraid and rather haunted by my past I am missing alot of present moments…..except for constant medical worries and fear with added financial…… I crave relief, bright little moments.
    My helplessness … thats a huge one.
    Being sick with cancer or sick from cancer treatments…but so sick no matter what…also huge.
    I struggle with fear.
    Trying to experience and appreciate good moments …trying to find balance …… thats my challenge, to hang on …… to my life, to whats left of me ….trying to not miss the positives.
    I enjoy your writing and often benifit from it

    Like

    1. Love you, Julie Rushing Nelson! I am looking forward to meeting you and hanging out once you finish your treatment, so just get through it, girl. There are a million adventures left to be had!

      Like

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