Okay, I’ve been a little crabby lately. My new anti-seizure med, keppra, is known for making people irritable and depressed. It took awhile for this side effect to make itself felt. I think as long as things were sailing along in life, it was cool. What I have found to be true about depression, though, is that it makes everything so much bigger. What might be a minor annoyance or setback or a little sorrow turns into something huge. The feelings are so overwhelming you think you just might die of them. And it is impossible to turn them off. They just run round and round in circles. I had surgery this morning, and before the surgery I had to sit in a little room for over an hour, alone except for visits from the doctor, the nurse, the anesthesiologist, and the surgical assistant. And honestly I just sat there longing for that general anesthetic to flow into my veins and stop the emotional circles spinning in my head.
Anyway, this is all background history and my excuse for the following. This morning I got up at the crack of dawn to get ready to go in for surgery. I checked my email and found several emails from the same person, someone I don’t know of course. They were all short, and all asked basically the same questions about Michaela:
Sharon, how in the hell has Michaela’s abductor NEVER been indentified or arrested yet? What did he do to Michaela???Please let me know. I’ve been following Michaela’s case for the last 9 years. Let me know ASAP.
I’m just wondering. What was the kidnappers motive for taking Michaela? Is it sexual? Is he a pedophile?Please let me know. How in the hell has he evaded the police ALL of these years?!Why hasn’t Michaela’s abductor been identified yet?! I’m so curious.
My question for you is: What has Michaela possibly endured with her kidnapper these last 29 years?!Did he kidnap her for sexual reasons? Is he a pedophile?What’s your opinion?
So at that point, without food or water or sleep, without coffee for goodness sakes, and just about to run out the door for surgery, filled to overflowing with grief and frustration over other things, as well as this stupid medication, I shoot off a quick answer to that last question, that my opinion is that he is a jackass for asking questions like that of a mother of a missing child.
I, of course, come home to a whole string of emails from him, in which he tells me, among other things, that it is very very unnecessary for me to call him a jackass, because I am the mother of a missing child. He said he had no clue as to how or why his questions were offensive. I informed him that asking a mother to think about the suffering and abuse her daughter may have had to endure, much less asking her to tell him all about it, and ASAP, is obnoxious. Yeah, I’m going to stand by that, apart from my over the top reaction to it. I also reminded him that there are no answers to the questions, which he should know if he had been following the case for nine years as he said he had. And if there were, I would be posting them here, not emailing them to strangers.
I looked this guy up in my email and discovered that this isn’t the first time he has sent me questions about Michaela, and I have actually responded to him in the past. But the questions weren’t so in your face, so inappropriate.
And it didn’t happen today.
Of course, I also posted something on Facebook the other day about whether I should notify the Hayward Police Department that I was going to sue them. There is a woman who has taken it upon herself to help find Michaela. She has even hired dog teams to come in and search. The PD chooses not to be involved in an upcoming search, as in not providing information they may have about where would be good to search, or accompanying the dogs. They have also chosen not to dig in areas where the dogs have hit on something. But they are fine with the volunteer doing whatever she wants, as long as she gets permission from property owners. Now this is one person, with a few helpers, and she doesn’t live in the area, and she works a job to support herself, so it is slow going. And let me tell you, if this case could have been resolved two years ago and wasn’t because they didn’t want to, I am going to be furious, because every single ever loving day that passes is honestly like adding bricks to the load I have been carrying for almost thirty years, and it is not okay.
Now see what happens when you start feeling the feelings instead of burying them and denying them? Thank you, Keppra.
Finally this afternoon, I took the bold step of messaging my neurologist to ask him if there is anything we can do about this medication and the effects it seems to be having on my psyche, which is already ratty enough as it is. I have been reluctant to rock the boat, because I need to establish a solid and successful treatment history so I can get my driver’s license back. But this has just become debilitating in itself. I am sure that at least on Facebook I will get a ton of messages from people supporting me and talking about how inappropriate this guy was. And mark my words, this WAS inappropriate on sooooo many levels. But it doesn’t really need to affect me the way it did.
I have mad skills at burying my feelings. Not sure I would have survived all these years if I hadn’t honed that ability. But it’s like I told my daughter the other day, I have become so good at not feeling my feelings, I just don’t know what to do with them when I feel them. You know, I actually tried screaming the other morning. And it helped, but just a teeny bit. I ran away from home one day to a coffee shop and sat there looking at the clouds and drinking coffee with tears slipping down my face. Depression is a serious thing. Being sad, grieving, those are horrible things as well, but with depression, your body’s chemical and electrical systems are not only robbing you of the ability to cope with them, they are magnifying them. I do take antidepressants, have for years. So it’s not a new thing for me. But I have decided I would rather regain my sanity than my driver’s license. I’d rather walk with peace and love than drive.
Anyway, surgery went well. I was sore when I woke up, but I would not classify it as pain. Surgery took three hours, and I was released less than an hour after it was over. I am tightly, tightly bandaged across both my chest and abdomen, and have to stay that way for two days. I keep wanting to take my way too tight bra off, then realize I’m not wearing one. I have Norco and I took one, but my husband tells me that sometimes instead of making you sleepy they make you restless, and I really just want to sleep, so I’m thinking about replacing it with cannabis.
I’ve suffered from considerable anger in my life as a result of both childhood abuse and Michaela’s kidnapping. In recent years, it has really brought itself under control, and honestly and truly, as trite as it may sound, love has become the overwhelming thing in my life. And it still is. So I apologize to those I have been crabby with. And I will remind everyone, including myself, to strive to be kind. It honestly makes you feel better anyway. Being angry is not a pleasant feeling. Being kind and making others feel good actually makes you feel good yourself.
Thanks for listening to my rants, and I love you.