I apologize, but I just might explode

Okay, I’ve been a little crabby lately. My new anti-seizure med, keppra, is known for making people irritable and depressed. It took awhile for this side effect to make itself felt. I think as long as things were sailing along in life, it was cool. What I have found to be true about depression, though, is that it makes everything so much bigger. What might be a minor annoyance or setback or a little sorrow turns into something huge. The feelings are so overwhelming you think you just might die of them. And it is impossible to turn them off. They just run round and round in circles. I had surgery this morning, and before the surgery I had to sit in a little room for over an hour, alone except for visits from the doctor, the nurse, the anesthesiologist, and the surgical assistant. And honestly I just sat there longing for that general anesthetic to flow into my veins and stop the emotional circles spinning in my head.

Anyway, this is all background history and my excuse for the following. This morning I got up at the crack of dawn to get ready to go in for surgery. I checked my email and found several emails from the same person, someone I don’t know of course. They were all short, and all asked basically the same questions about Michaela:

Sharon, how in the hell has Michaela’s abductor NEVER been indentified or arrested yet? What did he do to Michaela???

 
Please let me know. I’ve been following Michaela’s case for the last 9 years. Let me know ASAP.
I’m just wondering. What was the kidnappers motive for taking Michaela? Is it sexual? Is he a pedophile?
 
Please let me know. How in the hell has he evaded the police ALL of these years?!
 
Why hasn’t Michaela’s abductor been identified yet?! I’m so curious.
My question for you is: What has Michaela possibly endured with her kidnapper these last 29 years?!
 
Did he kidnap her for sexual reasons? Is he a pedophile?
What’s your opinion?

So at that point, without food or water or sleep, without coffee for goodness sakes, and just about to run out the door for surgery, filled to overflowing with grief and frustration over other things, as well as this stupid medication, I shoot off a quick answer to that last question, that my opinion is that he is a jackass for asking questions like that of a mother of a missing child.

I, of course, come home to a whole string of emails from him, in which he tells me, among other things, that it is very very unnecessary for me to call him a jackass, because I am the mother of a missing child. He said he had no clue as to how or why his questions were offensive. I informed him that asking a mother to think about the suffering and abuse her daughter may have had to endure, much less asking her to tell him all about it, and ASAP, is obnoxious. Yeah, I’m going to stand by that, apart from my over the top reaction to it. I also reminded him that there are no answers to the questions, which he should know if he had been following the case for nine years as he said he had. And if there were, I would be posting them here, not emailing them to strangers.

I looked this guy up in my email and discovered that this isn’t the first time he has sent me questions about Michaela, and I have actually responded to him in the past. But the questions weren’t so in your face, so inappropriate.

And it didn’t happen today.

Of course, I also posted something on Facebook the other day about whether I should notify the Hayward Police Department that I was going to sue them. There is a woman who has taken it upon herself to help find Michaela. She has even hired dog teams to come in and search. The PD chooses not to be involved in an upcoming search, as in not providing information they may have about where would be good to search, or accompanying the dogs. They have also chosen not to dig in areas where the dogs have hit on something. But they are fine with the volunteer doing whatever she wants, as long as she gets permission from property owners. Now this is one person, with a few helpers, and she doesn’t live in the area, and she works a job to support herself, so it is slow going. And let me tell you, if this case could have been resolved two years ago and wasn’t because they didn’t want to, I am going to be furious, because every single ever loving day that passes is honestly like adding bricks to the load I have been carrying for almost thirty years, and it is not okay.

Now see what happens when you start feeling the feelings instead of burying them and denying them? Thank you, Keppra.

Finally this afternoon, I took the bold step of messaging my neurologist to ask him if there is anything we can do about this medication and the effects it seems to be having on my psyche, which is already ratty enough as it is. I have been reluctant to rock the boat, because I need to establish a solid and successful treatment history so I can get my driver’s license back. But this has just become debilitating in itself. I am sure that at least on Facebook I will get a ton of messages from people supporting me and talking about how inappropriate this guy was. And mark my words, this WAS inappropriate on sooooo many levels. But it doesn’t really need to affect me the way it did.

Nothing does.

I have mad skills at burying my feelings. Not sure I would have survived all these years if I hadn’t honed that ability. But it’s like I told my daughter the other day, I have become so good at not feeling my feelings, I just don’t know what to do with them when I feel them. You know, I actually tried screaming the other morning. And it helped, but just a teeny bit.  I ran away from home one day to a coffee shop and sat there looking at the clouds and drinking coffee with tears slipping down my face. Depression is a serious thing. Being sad, grieving, those are horrible things as well, but with depression, your body’s chemical and electrical systems are not only robbing you of the ability to cope with them, they are magnifying them. I do take antidepressants, have for years. So it’s not a new thing for me. But I have decided I would rather regain my sanity than my driver’s license. I’d rather walk with peace and love than drive.

Anyway, surgery went well. I was sore when I woke up, but I would not classify it as pain. Surgery took three hours, and I was released less than an hour after it was over. I am tightly, tightly bandaged across both my chest and abdomen, and have to stay that way for two days. I keep wanting to take my way too tight bra off, then realize I’m not wearing one. I have Norco and I took one, but my husband tells me that sometimes instead of making you sleepy they make you restless, and I really just want to sleep, so I’m thinking about replacing it with cannabis.

I’ve suffered from considerable anger in my life as a result of both childhood abuse and Michaela’s kidnapping. In recent years, it has really brought itself under control, and honestly and truly, as trite as it may sound, love has become the overwhelming thing in my life. And it still is. So I apologize to those I have been crabby with. And I will remind everyone, including myself, to strive to be kind. It honestly makes you feel better anyway. Being angry is not a pleasant feeling. Being kind and making others feel good actually makes you feel good yourself.

Thanks for listening to my rants, and I love you.

Sharon

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9 thoughts on “I apologize, but I just might explode

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  1. We love you back! Still following your posts after all these years, and wanting answers just as much as you do. Keep posting please, never stop. You are loved through it all.

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  2. Hi Sharon,

    I belong to groups that have to deal with unexpected crisis and grief. Most in these groups have been thrust into their situations by the actions of others. Among the many emotions are often anger, grief, helplessness, depression, etc.

    A few pieces of advice that I’ve hung onto over the years are: Breathe. Step back and breathe. You don’t have to forgive or forget, but be kind to yourself and breathe.

    Another piece of advice is to go to a thrift store and buy a big box of china. Glass plates, cups, dishes, anything breakable. Take the box, a broom, and go find a concrete slab. Smash the dishes onto the ground. Over and over and over. There’s something cathartic about destroying the dishes. Throw them, smash them, scream. Sweep up the pieces afterwards, throw them in the box and toss the box.

    A friend of mine has a back yard that backs up into the woods. She would go out back and push trees over. She’d also go into wood chopping binges and chop wood over and over and over.

    I know you’ve just had surgery, so all these physical things may not be something you can do at the moment. Or maybe they aren’t things you want to do at all. The main takeaway from this is to find something to take your anger out on. I know saying ‘destroy something’ sounds so negative, but if it’s a destruction that doesn’t hurt anyone else then in can be a positive thing. It can be used to vent and release some of the negativity.

    Your anger, frustration, anxiety, worry, and depression need a release. Burn something, chop something, cut something up. Destroy cardboard boxes. Throw pillows at a wall. Pop balloons. Shred things. Get a bunch of bubble wrap and stomp on it.

    I admire you, Sharon. You have tenacity and grace. You’ve been through more crap in your lifetime than hundreds of people ever go through in theirs. Cancer sucks. Seizures suck. Losing the right to drive really sucks. But most of all, losing Michaela, and never having an answer, and then finding out the ones you trusted to find her have dodged their way out of doing that ONE JOB you trusted them with? That more than sucks. That’s a betrayal of the deepest kind. And that hurts in an agony that few experience.

    So, destroy something, get that scream out, dig out that anger and throw it at something. You deserve the release. And then afterwards, when you’re ready, sue the hell out of Hayward police department. Let them answer to you. You and Michaela deserve it.

    Love and hugs for you from a long time reader and ‘Find Michaela’ supporter,
    Stacy

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    1. Thanks, Stacy. You know, I actually did some of these things in the early days. But it’s been thirty years. Can’t afford that much china!

      You know what’s funny is when I did go out and break dishes in my fenced side yard, my stupid neighbor cane out and yelled at me about it. This was the same neighbor, of course, who felt sorry for my four year old because I wouldn’t let her play unsupervised on the street.

      I think the two things that helped me most were running, which I started doing every morning in the second year, and laughing. Those people who came to my house and made me laugh were the greatest of blessings! So quick, someone say something funny! 😊

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  3. Hi Sharon,

    Here’s something that always makes me smile: Dogs on roofs 🙂 Literally! There’s a whole section of reddit dedicated to pictures of dogs on roofs. House roofs, car roofs, garage roofs. It’s so funny! Here’s a link: https://www.reddit.com/r/dogsonroofs/
    If the link doesn’t work, just google reddit dogsonroofs and it’ll come up.

    Take care and here’s to love and laughter!

    Stacy

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  4. Hi Sharon,
    I continue to pray for Michaela and you. You are doing an amazing job and wherever Michaela is, she’s proud and knows she is loved.
    As far as the “jackass” that had so many inappropriate comments, any chance he could know something about Michaela? Especially if he reached out before and has the audacity to ask such questions? Just a thought when I was reading your post.
    Wishing you a quick recovery from your surgery.
    Thanks for keeping us all updated. Wish I could do more.
    Take care of yourself.
    Debbie

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    1. I thought about it. But there was not enough to motivate the police to investigate. There are a lot of people like this in the world.

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  5. Clearly, you have every right and reason to be as angry as you want to be and no one blames you one bit. But I hate Keppra too! I was on it and it changed who I was, which was very scary. Have you been offered Lamictal? It controls my seizures better with very few side effects. I know your doctor knows best, but I wanted to extend my sympathy to you and let you know that it’s not your fault!

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    1. No, I haven’t been back to see my neurologist because I had surgery with one of my other doctors. Someone suggested taking B vitamins with it, which actually seems to help. Honestly, it is hard to sort out how much is the drug because life has been challenging as well. I will look into lamictal though. Thanks. I have been taking Tegretol for years but apparently there are far better meds available now.

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  6. I have read a couple posts (so far) on this blog, your writing is so honest. You write that you are a master of stuffing feelings but when you let them flow it’s quite touching. I lost my daughter who had just turned 20 to a homicide in the Bay Area last year. I haven’t been able to go to counseling stuffing has been my m.o. The pain of a lost child is at the top of the pain scale no matter the circumstance and your writing has reinforced that for me. Our situations are completely different yet I can relate to so much. My life completely changed that day in every single way, I am not the same the world will never be what I hoped or dreamed nor can I ever see anything in it the same. Your writing scares me confirming that in 30 years the pain/feelings will still be so raw yet you also show that there is so much good in this life and still ways to make it better for myself and others. I continue to hope and pray that Michaela, you and your loved ones get the reunion you so deserve. Bookmarking your blog to keep reading 🙂

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