Dear Michaela

Dear Michaela,

I was thinking about this blog this morning, and my letters to you, and why I do it. I have gotten to the point where I bristle when people want to talk about your case. It literally sends bad feelings up my spine. No surprise, I guess. It will be thirty years this year that this has been going on, and I hate it. I hate every bit of it, everything about it. I hate the false hopes and the banging of my head against the doors. I hate it. I am done trying to figure out what happened, to put together puzzle pieces from a dozen different puzzles, all jumbled together. There are a lot of very nice, caring people who are still obsessed about, or at least interested in, your case, though. They think that with the practically nonexistent information available to them, or me, that we should be able to figure it out. Well, they can’t, and I can’t. The police have all the tons and mountains of information and they haven’t figured it out, so we sure as not are going to do that based on the few measly leads that have managed to find their way into the media and onto google.

I just don’t want to hear about it anymore, because it is too hard. I told investigators this a couple of years ago, after the last deep, hard fall: that they should tell me when they have found something, but I don’t want to know until then. It’s kind of an iffy thing, because sometimes I get angry because I feel nothing is being done on Michaela’s case because nobody is talking to me, until I remember that I asked them not to tell me about it. It is just an Uncomfortable Situation. It is a little bit of hell on earth, and I have roasted on that pit for far too long.

Yet, Michaela, I am still “looking for” you. Although the case may be woven into that fact, however, “solving” it is not what I am looking for. I am not looking for the kidnapper. I am not wanting to know what happened. I have to tell you the honest truth, Michaela, if you are not alive, I am not sure I actually want to know that. The thought of it all starting up over again chills me. I have loved the media over the years and the usually wonderful people working in it, but I dread that exhausting spotlight. This is all I really want to do: I want to hold you in my arms and love you. That is all. That is the beginning and the end and all of the middle. If you are alive out there, I am “looking for you” by reaching out to you, so you know you are not forgotten, that you are still deeply loved. I try to keep you updated on family news and events, at least as much as I can while maintaining privacy for your brothers and sisters, because I want you to feel that you know what home is. I personally hate going to places I have never been before. I want to feel familiar with the landscape. I want to be able to picture the door I will walk through, and have an idea of what awaits me on the other side. And I want you to feel that you know, should you decide to come home, what you will be walking into.

Anyway, I am having surgery next week. There was a time when the whole idea of surgery terrified me. Just one year ago this very day, in fact, I remember walking down the hospital corridor past the doors to the surgical floor on my way to my own surgery, and almost passing out at the thought of what happens behind those doors! But I’m not afraid anymore. I had three surgeries last year, and as dumb as it sounds I actually got to kind of like the procedure. I remember after the second surgery I woke up soooo happy. I felt like I was emerging from some kind of a party and ready for more! My procedure next week is scheduled to take from four to eight hours, and I will be in the hospital for five days, so it is a bit more challenging than last year’s surgeries, but I am still feeling pretty positive about it. It is surgery, however. My husband mentioned last night that he was not looking forward to it, and I asked why, thinking it was the long hours in the hospital waiting room he was dreading, but he said something about dying on the operating table. I told him I am not going to do that, so he doesn’t need to worry, but I have decided that when I finish this blog I am going to hop on over to the Neptune Society website and get a membership. And I thought about a few other things also that I should do. And one was writing to you.

I have been remiss in keeping you updated on family news recently. It’s not really my fault. I’d have blasted all this with front page headlines if it had been my choice. But remember your baby brother, Robbie, the one you held in your arms, the one whose picture you drew, dressed in his striped pajamas? He was eight months old when you last saw him. Now he is a great big man, 6’3″ he claims, although I am sure he is 6’4″, with dark hair and a thick beard. (For those who are hunting for people on the street that they think might be Michaela, Robbie is an object lesson, because he too had that fine, pale blonde hair as a child. This is proof positive that nobody has any idea what Michaela would look like today.) He has grown up to be a private sort of person, and married a wife who feels the same way, and I try to respect that. However, your baby brother Robbie now has a baby daughter of his own. Baby Elara was born on December 26th. I sadly have only been able to see her once, the day she was born, because right after that the Nasty Flu hit our house, and is still hanging around as a lingering cough. That is not something you want to expose a newborn to, but she spent a week in NICU because she had breathing problems at birth, so this is especially true with her. So I don’t have a lot of photos except for those Robbie has sent me. Nevertheless, I can tell you that she is adorable. And honestly, I could see you when I looked into her face.

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fullsizeoutput_10aeBut anyway, what I am telling you here is that if you hurry home there will be a cuddly new baby for you to hold!

Other than that, life goes on. Everything is in flux here, for me anyway. I expect a year of change this year, because change has become a necessity, but I have no idea which way that wind will blow. I will be relieved to get past this final surgery and be free to rebuild my life. And my self. Learn this one thing from me: it is never too late to reinvent yourself. This is true for you, too, Michaela. If you are alive, even if you have spent the last thirty years living in the worst of circumstances, you have a whole new life ahead of you if you choose. Where you have been, what has been done to you, what you may have done, does not define you. Let me remind you, that you were born with a light that was bright enough to light the world even in your absence. And do not doubt, you have love and support enough to accomplish miracles.

I will check in here, one way or another, after surgery, just to let you know I am still alive. Maybe not for a couple of weeks, since I won’t have my computer in the hospital. But I’ll be back!

I love you, baby girl, forever and ever. Remember, I am always in your heart. When you walk into a dark room, if you reach out your hand, I will always be there to hold it.

forever,

mom

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123 thoughts on “Dear Michaela

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  1. I am sorry Sharon, I did not know this other info about the boils as opposed to actual scars. I apologize. You are right about the “meth face” look of people who are addicted to speed/methamphetamine. If it was or wasn't Herzog, may he rot in hell. If it was Shermantime, I am sure he will follow when his time comes, whether it be at the hands of the state of California or he takes his last useless waste of oxygen last breath in his cell on Death Row. You and the families in the Connecticut school rampage are in my prayers. God bless. Sincerely,PaulaP.S. I know this may seem trivial considering what your blog is about, but I am glad and happy for your son that his skin/face is nice and smooth now, it may seem trivial to everyone BUT the person whose face the skin is attached to. God speed Sharon.

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  2. I think what anonymous means is Tim Bindner sent the FBI a card that predicted a girl of 9 years old would disappear. And then Michaela disappeared shortly thereafter. He then sent a photo of a girl holding up 4 fingers. And Amanda Nikki Campbell,who was 4,disappeared shortly after. Tim Bindner has long been looked at as a “person of interest” in the Bay Area disappearances of various girls. And I hope and pray that the discovery of the possibility of Michaela being found,I hope it will shed light onto Amandas case and the other girls.

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  3. I have been very involved with the Tim Bindner thing. I was very close to a reporter who spent hours interviewing him and was probably going to write a book except someone else beat her to it. But he has never been considered a serious suspect by the Hayward PD because he just doesn't match our composite.I think Tim likes attention, and he has done a lot to feed that, but I don't think he is responsible for kidnapping any of the kids. After all, we know he didn't cause the Loma Prieta Earthquake here in 1989, and yet there he was on television as a hero for helping to dig bodies out of the rubble. The first child to make him a suspicious character was Angela Bugay, who was found murdered in 1983. Tim had a truly unhealthy obsession with her. And yet the man who did murder her was eventually arrested and tried, and it wasn't Tim.As for the age thing, I don't think kids have their ages tattooed on their foreheads, so it would be a stretch to think that he'd target a child of a specific age. I can tell you for sure that wasn't the case with Michaela. In fact, Michaela was not targeted at all. She just had the random bad luck to be the one who went after the scooter that had been moved.Tim has encouraged the speculation and attention. And others have tried to make money off it. Because of that a lot of sensationalistic but not really well grounded stories have been spread. The guy who wrote the book about Tim Bindner went so far as to try to make our composite look like Tim by cutting the hair. Now that makes no sense at all. Tim was who he was the day Michaela was kidnapped. In fact, Tim came to my house the day Michaela was kidnapped. He bore not the tiniest resemblance to the kidnapper.

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  4. I think Herzog also took Ilene Misheloff because Ilene looks similar to Kimberly Ann Billy who also has dark hair and brown eyes and other women that are still missing.

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  5. I read a news article that there were fetal remains found in the well along with clothing, shoes etc. Does anyone know if this is true?

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  6. We probably all read the same news articles. How would any of us have knowledge if it is true or not? And why on earth would this be the place to ask! Sharon doesnt need more horrible things to think about. Please try to be more sensitive.

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  7. That's because Herzog was a Sociopath and that is typical behavior of a sociopath. I imagine Michaela did fight back for herself,as any human being fearing for his or her life would. And I hope she got every blow into his outer reproductive organs that she could. I hope she hurt him so bad that he decided he got the wrong child and let her go.

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  8. Yes, I do understand there were fetal remains found. I spoke to one of the other moms, and I believe she said that there was an unidentified adult female and the fetus was hers. One of the few things I can be sure of is that the fetal remains have nothing to do with Michaela, since she was only nine years old at the time.A couple of local news sources have referred to Michaela as “local missing teen.” That's so disrespectful. I think they know she was nine years old.

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  9. Anonymous, I have read this blog before, and I just read it again, a couple of times. I didn't see anything here about Michaela and her abductor getting in arguments. Where did you see that? The notion of that happening is a little odd. In order to get involved in arguments, there has to be some sense of equality in the relationship, like two people disagreeing about where they are going to go. I do absolutely believe that Michaela would have fought back with everything she had, though. I have no idea of Herzog's driving record.

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  10. Sharon do you think your daughters remains have been already found and ruled out, I recently heard of the Colleen Orsborn case who was found weeks after her disapeerence and ruled out and was identified until 2010, a most likely victim of Christopher Wilder.

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  11. Sharon the article about Michaela and her abductor getting into arguements was from a astrology article. It was only speculation and in my eyes not worthy of reading.

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  12. Dear, Sharon
    I was visiting Northern California for three days. I was at the kidnapping site on the evening of July 19, 2017. That was in fact the first place I visited on the first day of arriving.
    Sincerely,
    Zahra

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  13. Are u alive sharon? Its half may and weeks have past and ive not seen an update whether your surgery went ok?
    U told her u would tell when u had your computer you are ok but weeks turned into months now. 4 precisly

    Hope u are ok
    Beautiful letter to michaela

    Much love from holland

    Inge

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  14. That is not true at all, Inge. I have posted many blogs since then. If you go to my home page at http://www.seekersroad.com, there is a menu on the top and you need to click on blog. Also in the right hand column (or far bottom if you are on a mobile device), there are lists of recent blog entries, most popular blog entries, and an index by subject matter, as well as s box where you can sign up to receive new blog entries right in your email! But thanks for checking!

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