Sometimes I surprise myself

I was talking to a new friend yesterday over coffee, when I heard some words come out of my mouth that still have me kind of reeling. We were talking about bad things that happen to people, how sometimes they blame God, or people who love them blame God. Friends or family may say, how can you believe in a God who would do this to you? My friend is a cancer survivor, and I am a new cancer patient, so we were talking about that, and how good things can actually come out of bad, that nothing is without a purpose or an opportunity.

However, I heard myself referring to Michaela. What happened to her, I said, was a terrible thing, and within the confines of this life I am not sure that there is enough good in the universe that can really make up for that in my heart. As a mother, I cannot ever justify my daughter’s suffering. That doesn’t change the fact of things, however, and the fact of things is what we are left with.

Yet it is a small thing in eternity, I heard myself say. I believe I will see Michaela again, that we will spend eons dancing on the water. And in that great eternity, what happened to her, however awful, will be a small thing. “Oh, that? We got through it. It’s over.” But some of the rewards and gifts that may have come into the world because of it will be eternal. And rather than grieve over the difficult times we endured, we will rejoice and celebrate if even one person was helped toward healing through what we went through.

I sometimes get emails and comments from people who say just this, that they have been helped through what I have experienced and what I have to say bout it. That is the greatest gift I can receive, those words, because it means there was some good that came out of Michaela’s suffering.

Life: not for the faint of heart. But we can do it. You, too, Michaela, if you are out there. I love you.

Merry Christmas everybody.

7 thoughts on “Sometimes I surprise myself

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  1. Sharon, you have such a beautiful way of looking at the world and at life. You show how a person can share hope and comfort to others no matter how incomprehensible the circumstances are for herself. I wish you all the love, peace and joy with Michaela when you reunite one day.


  2. I hope I don't bring you any pain when I tell you this. I'm sure you probably got this occasionally or something. But I wanted to tell you something that has amazed me for a long time. Before my mom had me she saw your daughter on the news. The beautiful girl with golden hair who got taken all those years ago. I was born in 1999 and my mom thought of her while pregnant with me. She wanted to honor her somehow. My middle name is Mikayla. Not the same spelling, I know. But it was for her. Coincidentally I was born with bright blue eyes and blonde hair, out of a whole family of red heads and brunettes with brown or green eyes. I asked my mom about her and I wanted to read what she went through and I saw that she has yet to be found. I hope she will come home to you soon and I hope that she recovers amazingly from what she's been through. Hope does sometimes come in the form of weight on your shoulders, but it is still hope. And sometimes that hope is all the universe needs for that little push. I just don't know how to say this so forgive me for how rough it may sound: you're amazing for fighting and holding onto and not giving up on your little girl.


  3. Dear Sharon I pray u are doing well. You have not wrote in a while. I hope and pray for the best. I hope that your next post will be good news. Michaela is like the bright sun in the sky shining but covered by clouds. I can't wait for the day the clouds leave and allow you to see her again.Sincerely Zahra


  4. Wow you are wise and inspiring. I came across your blog when the press came last year with michaelas name in it. I remember being Michaelas age and in Hayward and my mom feeling devastated for you. My mom has passed since then, young, in her sleep. life has thrown even more difficult blows along the way. Your life, in particular, allows you a perspective to eternity that most people don't have. If you choose not to write another word on your blog, I will forever cherish these words from this post. Tears on cheeks as I am profoundly affected. -anonymous.


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