But of course, it made me sad in a way that was beyond thought. It made me realize that there are so very many possible reasons to be sad that I haven’t even considered.
It’s funny, because lately I have been missing my imagination. I got a drawing pad, pencils and chalk pastels, but I haven’t touched them because all I can see is the blank page, and I can’t think of what to put on it. In my writing, I have to fight against rushing through, instead of stopping to dwell on the details, where the heart lives. But tonight I realized, of course my imagination has packed its bags and run away. Not knowing what happened to my daughter leaves too many possibilities open, too many things I cannot begin to entertain because they are too horrible. Not having the answers, any answers, all the possibilities wander around the edges of my consciousness. I cannot allow myself to imagine them, so I turn off my imagination as protection.
I am amazed at how much of a mess I am. It has been over 27 years, but in all this time, there has been no healing, at least in part because there is no resolution. It keeps happening, it keeps piling on and on, it never ends. It has robbed me of so much. It has robbed me of my daughter, my first child, but it has robbed me of pieces of myself along the way as well.
Still, I have lost nothing in comparison to what Michaela has lost. The movie tonight reiterated some of those themes I have heard about before, the feeling that the victim had of being unworthy. So I just want to say, again, for the thousandth time, that there is nothing at all that could ever change my love for you, Michaela. I love you. I know you. I know your heart and soul, and I have nothing but respect for you, no matter what may have happened. This is a safe place for you. If you are still alive out there, please contact me. I just want to hold you in my arms.
I love you forever, baby girl. I like you for always. For always and forever. No matter what.