I know it has been a few months since I have posted anything, and I apologize, especially to you, Michaela, if you are out there reading this. There are just times when the black hole yawns so wide there is no choice but to retreat away from it, pull the blankets over your head, and close your eyes. The thing about depression is that it is not the same as sadness. Part of it is just avoidance. I am also just a little bit angry at those those feelings and everything that has caused me such pain. Ridiculous, I know, but feelings are not rational are they? I learned long ago that anger is most often our pain turned inside out in a effort not to have to feel it, because it is so deeply darkly awful. But also, I find I have a lot of guilt. I have guilt for not having found you, Michaela. I have guilt for not having been a good enough mother, or a good enough daughter. I don’t actually sit and go back over the past looking for ways I have failed my children or my mother. They are just kind of there, and there is no way to make up for them, I am angry at myself also.
In years past, I have let that anger flow outside myself, outside of us, and it was pretty awful. There are people who have known me over the years who would tell you that I was an angry person. For the most part that is over. For the most part, the depression and the pain are internalized. I am angry at the feelings, so I avoid them. I withdraw. So that is where I have been for the last few months.
There are still things going on in the investigation, moving ever so slowly, which has also been difficult for me. But you have not been forgotten, Michaela.
Regardless of anything else in the world, regardless of any other feelings I may have ever, or feelings I may bury from sight, there is one thing I know, and you need to know, and that is that I love you forever, baby girl.