Well, I have been trying to figure out all day whether to post this or not. This is a photograph of Trina’s baby, who was born on Friday. I am really touched by the birth of this little boy. After all these years, I still love Trina dearly, and I love her husband as well. They no longer live in California, so I don’t see them often, but we keep in touch. I wanted to post this as a congratulations to them, but also, Michaela, I have posted a number of posts about your family and what’s going on at home, and I wanted to post this for you as well. Trina is the best friend you ever had, and has been a friend for life, through all the long years you have been gone. I know you’d want to know.
I did worry that if you saw this, Michaela, that it would make you sad. But in the end, I decided that it just doesn’t have to. If you are able to read these words, you are able to do anything. If you are still alive, there is nothing that cannot be overcome. There is so much love waiting for you in this world.
It’s a funny thing, but I have started to dream about you. In all the years you have been gone, that hasn’t happened. I may have had dreams about me missing you, but you haven’t been in my dreams. Lately though you have been. I’m not really good at remembering my dreams, unfortunately. I wake up in the middle of the night and tell myself I will think about my dream and that way I will remember it clearly in the morning, but I never do. For years I have had dreams about being on a journey, but lately I have more of a feeling about arriving somewhere new in my dreams. Not clear, not settled, but it’s a different sense. I wish I could remember more.
The day after tomorrow is my birthday. I am going to be really old! But I have begun trying to whip myself into shape for all the things to come in life. In 2014 I think I am going to have to crawl out of my shell and start asserting myself. Many may not believe this, but I am actually pretty shy and I am not looking forward to this. But you have taught me to have courage and to have strength, Michaela, so I will try to harness those things and do what needs to be done.
I love you, Michaela. And yes, I do want to know where you are. I do want to know what happened. However difficult it may be for me to hear, that is nothing compared to how difficult it was for you to experience it. Speak to me, Michaela, a voice on the phone or a whisper in my dreams. I am ready to listen.