I am sorry I haven’t written for awhile. It has been a very difficult month. I do intend to sit and write about it, but I have to muster some physical and emotional energy for that. Physical, because I have been sick with this flu that has been going around … I came down with it four weeks yesterday and it is still lingering. Yes, I have seen the doctor. He said at the beginning that it lasts a long time. He had it for a month or so himself. Emotional, because I had a loss this past month, which I will talk about later.
But I just wanted to write a note because of something that struck me yesterday. The paralegal in the cubicle next to me was working with a woman, and I caught her birth date as she gave it to him. It was 1984, and I was struck by the fact that she was actually a few years younger than Michaela. It is true that all my kids are adults now, that I talk to them and relate to them as adults, so of course Michaela would be. She is the oldest after all. But for some reason seeing this woman a few years younger really struck my heart that Michaela is an adult now, that I should be able to sit and talk to her adult to adult. I know this, have always known this, but sometimes something just strikes you, just brings to life something obvious that you have always known in your head. And I really longed to be able to sit down with Michaela and talk, perhaps while her children played around us.
I am a paralegal and I work in immigration law. I spend many days taking people’s declarations for their asylum or other applications, listening to the hardships and abuses they have endured. I have a great capacity for empathy and compassion for people, animals, even insects! I have this for you, Michaela, and it is a huge black hole because it is filled with every horror imaginable. I don’t know what you have experienced since the day you were stolen away, and because I don’t know, every thing possibly imaginable has flitted through my nightmares in the years you have been gone. Whatever it is that you have been through, I just want to repeat that I love you, and that all I want is your good, whatever will bring you the greatest happiness and health. I am your mother, not your child. You don’t have to take care of me.
I love you, forever, Michaela. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.