Happy Mother’s Day, Michaela. You are my first child, long desired. You made me a mommy. Yours is the first little hand that wrapped itself around my finger, the first one to say the word “mama” and mean me. You were the first one to take a piece of my heart to carry around outside my body. I can still see your big blue eyes, looking up at me with so much trust. And now, of course, my own eyes are filling with tears and my heart aches with the sorrow of not being able to live up to that trust. I remember when Johnna was a baby, she was fussy, and I was soothing her, saying, “It’s okay. Mommy is here. I love you. I will take care of you. I will protect you.” But then I stopped and my eyes filled as I said to her, “Well, I was not able to do that for your sister, was I?”
But I love you, my dear sweet child. I know you far from being a child now, but to me you will always be, just as all your brothers and sisters are. I am always your mother, will always love you, will always care for you, will always do everything in my power to help you and protect you. I only wish there was more I could do.
Someone interviewed me the other day about Mother’s Day, and I told her that you were always present with us, that the whole family was always aware of you at every holiday. Here is some solid evidence of this. I woke up this morning to find this gift from Robbie on my car.
|My Mother’s Day gift from Robbie.|
I previously had bumper stickers made, but they faded terribly. This will never fade. It will always stay bright, like my hope for you, and my love for you. But I have actually already planned how I could make a sticker that says “found” and place it over “missing.” May that day come soon.
I always end my entries with a line from this book, which we used to read together. But perhaps I should include the whole thing. Love is something unconditional, that can never be damaged. But it is equally important for you to know that I like you forever also, whatever you may have been through.
I love you forever, Michaela.
I like you for always.
As long as I’m living,
my baby you’ll be.