The latest news and a message to Wesley…

Michaela, age 2, with her baby brother, Alex.

Yesterday I was on my lunch break, standing at the salad bar at the little grocery store by where I work, when my phone rang. I looked at it and recognized a number from Hayward PD. So my heart skipped a beat, and I thought, “Is this where I want to be standing, at the salad bar at Trag’s, if I am to possibly hear the news that my daughter is not alive?”

As it is, the detective was calling to give me an update and to discuss some of the other things that were going on with the case. The news regarding the testing is that it will be another week yet … at least. Could be even longer, depending on the results of the next round of testing. But this did inspire me to ask the detectives to please call me after 7:30 at night when they do get the results. I have just decided that there are places I do and do not want to be when I hear the news, whatever it is. And this way, Hayward PD can call me anytime with questions or other news and I won’t be flipping out every time I see the number on my cell phone.

Small sigh of relief.

So I’d tell you how I’m doing, but I don’t really know. Maybe I mentioned this here before, although I think it was on my other blog, but my doctor prescribed antidepressants a few weeks ago. It’s hard to say exactly what effect they are having on me. Let’s see, I went to see “Les Miserables” and I didn’t cry. Actually I left the theater feeling very uplifted, even elated. Is this my little pink pills, or am I just experiencing inappropriate emotions because of the emotional overload? I don’t know. Although it’s not that Les Mis is incapable of causing elation. During Ann Hathaway’s “I Dreamed A Dream” I literally sat there with my eyes bugging out and my mouth hanging open with sheer joy and amazement over the power and beauty of her performance. Same with the finale.

But on New Year’s Eve I watched “Seeking A Friend for the End of the World” with my daughter. She burst out sobbing and crying at the end. I giggled.

I am seriously wondering what I will do if they call and tell me that this bone is Michaela’s, that she is not alive. I have been feeling every feeling there is to feel about this for sooooo long now that my feelings seem to have turned themselves inside out and upside down. I’ve been anticipating it, what will it be like, what will I do, how will I react, how will I feel, what will I be able to do, because I’ve honestly been trying to … well, prepare. I’ve put so much energy into all this, perhaps I have no energy left.

Drained. I am drained.

Anyway, that’s the news from here, folks. Thanks for bearing with me. Thanks for the support. Thanks for everything. I love you all.

And one other thing … this is a p.s. addressed to Wesley … I attended a meeting last week with a lot of people  — Cathleen Galgiani, Jeff Rinek, and Joan Shelley among them. It was mentioned that you read my blog sometimes, so I thought I’d try saying hello, because there is a request that I’d like to make of you. At this meeting, there was a brief discussion about your motives in giving the information you have been giving. I can’t remember exactly what words were said or who said them, but I was left with the impression that you were doing this because you thought it was time, even because you wanted to do some good. Well, I’m hoping that’s the case.

I hear a lot of the things that you say — not all of them, I’m sure, but at least some of what you have said about Michaela’s case. Over the many months this has been going on, I’ve also heard you say that you don’t know anything about Michaela. Well, I don’t know what is true and what isn’t. I want you to know that it isn’t my purpose to assign blame. It never has been. My only interest in justice regarding Michaela’s kidnapper is that he not be left in a position where he can do this again to another child, another family, another community, and I think that’s taken care of here. While I was sitting in this meeting last week with all these people who have so much information, it occurred to me to ask how these girls died, what method you and/or Herzog used to kill them. But I didn’t ask. I’m honestly not sure I want to know. Maybe one day, if I know for sure that this is Michaela. Maybe. But I am not after justice, because there isn’t any possibility of justice existing for me or for my daughter after November 19, 1988. And I am not after closure, because this is a wound which will always and forever be raw, with all its nerves exposed for any passing breeze to set off in screaming agony.

What I want is just to know. Honestly, if my daughter is not alive, has not been alive for the last 24 years, then you know what? I can stop worrying about her. I will know she is not somewhere suffering, that she is not being abused, that she is not crying herself to sleep. I will know that she is at peace. I will be able to relax into her presence, if that makes sense. And if she is not alive, I want to bring her home. In other entries in this blog, I have talked about various searches, like that of the Garrido property, and about the fact that I wanted to be there, that I had this desire, if they should happen to find Michaela, to throw myself on those little bones and gather them into my arms. I know that if Michaela is not alive, that she is not in her bones. I know that she has not spent the last 24 years in some godforsaken well or any other impromptu grave. But you have to understand that every single little part of Michaela, all that she ever was and all that she ever will be, is completely precious to me. Even if the only form in which it can be done is in bones or ashes, my heart longs to bring my little girl home, to hold her in my arms even if it is in an urn.

But Wesley, as you can probably see, I am also feeling about as fragile as an eggshell that has been drained of its contents. So I just want to ask you for one thing, and that is for honesty. This is not just an investigation. It isn’t just Kevin or Jeff you are talking to. You are also talking to me. I would be very, very grateful for any help you could offer. I just ask you to please not play any games. I have people who need me. And if Michaela is still missing, I need to be able to muster up the strength to continue looking for her. I can’t afford to break down.

In spite of what I know to be true of your past, I know that you have had a long sober time to consider all those things. Well, I know I get in trouble with my blog readers for saying things like this, but I cannot even imagine how haunting it must be for you to live with the things you have done, and I do believe that you are capable of remorse, and even compassion, and that you can let it guide your actions. I will trust that you will.

And to my readers, I just want to let you know that I will filter comments made in response to this post. You don’t actually have to point out anything to me, because I already know it. However, in this case, it’s likely that I know things you don’t know also. So you can tell me your opinion if you want to, and I will read it, but I will not be approving any comments that consist of flaming accusations. Just an advance warning.

Thanks for your understanding.

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95 thoughts on “The latest news and a message to Wesley…

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  1. I do realize that Sharon, and when I said “forgivable” I didn't mean that it was okay. Even if it was an honest mistake, he should be held accountable. But it sounds like he's a systematic, intentional bungler, which is much worse, and he needs to be held accountable for all the unnecessary suffering he's causing. Cindy

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  2. Cindy, I was speaking generally, rather than in response to what you said … although now that you mention it, there is nothing in the sheriff's handling of this case that I find forgivable. I attended a meeting which included most of the (known) victim families, as well as others who have been working on this, and the stories I heard are outrageous.

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  3. For lack of better words and keeping in line with using non-four letter words,I find this appalling. Its just beyond comprehension to me. And I do not even live in California but I am not above writing a letter in regards to this.

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  4. I didn't think a Sheriff could keep the FBI out of such an investigation? How can he get away with simply not allowing or “working well” with the FBI when it comes to uncovering victims. Sounds like someone has too much power.

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  5. Cindy,I know for a fact the maps exist, and were supplied by Shermantine to help, out of remorse. The person who told me this knows him well enough to judge the validity of his remorse. The day I met Shermantine he allowed me to live, and let me get away, when initially he and Herzog wanted and intended to kill me. So I know there is somewhere in him the ability for compassion, or something like it. Maybe moments of rationality. What ever it is, if he can bring himself to that place now, that's all that really matters. Does it really matter why? It wouldn't if it were my child, and my child was nearly with me the day I encountered them, so I do have a sense of what the last 24 years have been for Sharon and the others. Nowhere near the same, but I feel their pain and would settle it at just about any cost, and it would end alot of mine too. So Wesley, even if you don't remember me, I have't gone a day without remembering you and Loren. Show these families, give them what you gave me that day. The best in you.You understand why I have to sign anonymous, Wesley

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  6. Anonymous, thank you for sharing your experience. My reason for questioning his motivation was to better understand how he could be convinced to let families know the locations of the victims' remains. I now understand that he's already done that and that the problem lies with the sheriff in that he isn't acting on the information. Of course I agree with you – there is no need to question his motivation once the information has been provided. For Sharon's sake I hope he'll also reveal anything he knows about Michaela – if he knows anything. Cindy

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  7. Why be sorry? Why not just shut up in the first place? If I said I didn't ask because I didn't want to know, then who the hell are you to try to tell me? Fortunately, you didn't really provide any real information, just described all the various ways killing can take place.

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  8. I have never met you but I think of you and Michaela often. After hearing your story several years ago it really touched me. I was born the same year as Michaela and although I am not particularly religious, my occasional prayers always include you and your daughter.I hope that whatever the results are that you can ultimately find the strength to accept them and hopefully some peace.You are such a strong, inspirational woman and you deserve to have the weight of uncertainty and worry lifted. Bless you and your family Sharon.

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  9. I just get it! Prison is supposed to be for punishment. Not a vacation. Unbelievable! No wonder the prisons are so over crowded.

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  10. Dear Unknown, How would you know how they killed unless of course you were there! Maybe you should think before you speak. I have never seen such a heartless, empty minded post here before.

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  11. There are interrogation videos of Herzog and Shermantine on Youtube wherein those ugly details are discussed, but I would NEVER relay that information to Sharon after she explicitly stated that she was not ready to know. That is NOT your place. Have a heart. – Julia

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  12. Thank you everyone for your support. I have received your comments and read them, and I appreciate the time you took to write them. But I'm going to cut this off because I've had threads turn into long attacks, and I don't want to do that again. So thank you for your understanding.

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  13. Why would you say that, Shelly? The thing is, I don't have a choice of not seeing it myself. I see everything that comes through. And I accepted it because I wanted to respond to it. And I did. And a few other people did also. But I am stopping it short of some of the kind of things that happened here.I also really hate to not publish comments. It feels disrespectful to my readers. As in this case, if that happens I need to explain myself.

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  14. Sharon, I know that in your heart you are thinking that the bone belongs to Michaela. Well I read that they found items belonging to the victims. Since they didn't find anything that belonged to Michaela I feel that is a good sign. I know that items deteriorate over time but shoes and clothing would probably still be recognizable. I hope this gives you some hope.

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  15. The fact is that the items found have not been dealt with any more appropriately than the remains themselves. Most of the clothing was too degraded to know exactly what it was or whose it was. And there may have been some items which could have been Michaela's.

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  16. There are occasions when I am reading comments on my cell phone and my finger is so big and the print is so little that I accidentally reject a comment instead of approving it. I can't find a trash to get them out of once I've done that either. Sorry!

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  17. A good way to put an end to the callous and ignorant behavior of a public servant like the sheriff is to draw public attention to it. I'm at the other end of the country, so I don't know if the local media in San Joaquin county has picked up on the sheriff's appalling actions thus far. Has there been a public outcry? (It's hard to imagine that there hasn't.) Is the sheriff up for re-election anytime soon? Can we start a letter-writing campaign to the governor? Who has the power to compel this sheriff to hand the investigation over to the FBI?Wendy

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  18. Is there an inventory of belongings that have been recovered? Anything? Where are these belongings now? I do not understand this jurisdictional nonsense. I remember your P.D.'s struggle to get information during the Garrido investigation, and now this? Sharon, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with such pettiness. This sheriff has the power to reunite scores of grieving family members with the remains of their loved ones, but he's choosing to do … nothing. Worse than nothing. It's unbelievable. Wendy

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  19. Have they found the three-inch-long white earrings that resemble feathers? metal and plastic take along time to decompose I'm guessing they could still be there as well as the black cloth shoes with brown plastic soles. And do you know how many people are buried there three have been found almost four.

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  20. Yeah I think you may be right, this Sheriff is a Psycho! I dont understand how he can act like this! At some point the hammer needs to come down on him.Rod R.

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  21. Sharon. If you get a chance,listen to “Never Let Me Go” by Florence and The Machine. Beautiful music that will cut right to the soul. Sending prayers to you tonight.

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  22. Thinking of you, Sharon. This last blog entry of yours was not only about Shermantine but also your current state of mind and body. As you read this, I hope you can find a minute to take a deep breath. In my heart, I don't think this bone will be Michaela's. I hoscarcest killers can one day be ruled out and you can continue to search for your little girl, now grown, until one day soon you find her. Until I know otherwise, that's what I'll believe. Cindy

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  23. Don't worry we will be doing something to stop him from becoming sheriff again! Nothing the sheriff has done is forgivable. They have mishandle every aspect of Jo Ann's case, from the dig to the returning of multiple people back to my family! We were assured Jo Ann was the only person they had given us but low and behold we got more than 3 plus! Things will start rolling very quickly soon! All I can say is watch the news. I think everyone who believes one of their family members who may be a victim should show up with signs picketing the sheriff asking him to resign this would send a huge message. I also feel we should start a list of names to be published for all to see. So the community will get to know how long this list really is. If most of the victims families where told like us, they're loved one ran away or just left. Some of us know deep down in our hearts they didn't just leave us of their own free will. If anyone really wants to picket I will set a day and time.Michelle Loftis

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  24. Could Gov. Brown remove Sheriff Moore from his post? The incompetence he has demonstrated in this entire matter is ample evidence that he has no idea what he's doing, in my humble opinion. If a petition on an online site such as change.org were to be posted, I'd be the first to sign it.Julie (born & raised in California)

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  25. Sadly, that is true. I don't know if you're familiar at all with the murder of Kaitlyn Arquette – author Lois Duncan's daughter, who was murdered in Albuquerque, NM, in July 1989. The Arquettes have multiple instances of malfeasance in the Albuquerque PD, but it seems the FBI can't step in without being asked – there has to be evidence of interstate federal crime. For those who were murdered in the same state in which the crime occurred, the local PD has jurisdiction. Julie

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  26. According to KXTV's website, evidently excavation resumed today in Linden. It looks like the FBI is working with the San Joaquin County Sheriff's department to do this one – hopefully the FBI can save those SJC idiots from themselves.

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  27. MICHELLE LOFTIS,IF YOU ARE GOING TO PICKET, MAKE SURE I KNOW WHEN AND WHERE. IF THAT'S OK WITH SHARON TO USE HER BLOG. OR SHE CAN GIVE YOU MY EMAIL.THANKSDANYA

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  28. In my opinion, Sharon has the exclusive right to decide what is posted here and what is not. It is HER blog. If you don't like it, don't read it.

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  29. For sure I will let Sharon know and anyone else willing to help. I just watched the news. Seeing the backhoe digging. It gave me heart palpations. But I am glad to see they are digging so carefully. I just wish the same carefulness would have been applied at the first well.Sharon, I hope your day is a great one. Your in my thoughts. Everyone take care!Michelle Loftis

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  30. Sharon,I'd like to add a comment to your amazing request of Westly.Westly I am a recovering addict my self been clean for over 28 yrs, drug of choice… speed and booze. The combination makes for one crazy life and actions that later make no sense. The thoughts no matter how twisted seem so real and it feels like you must act on them. This is the evil of addiction, the part that we all wish we could forget. Yet it's imparative we remember and make ammeds to the best of our abilty once we get clean. I hope your clean in jail, I hope you have support in your efforts of recovery. And on that path you realize that the family of those you harmed deserve closue, deserve to lay their children to rest. Addicts live with guilt and shame, and the more bad things I did the more dope I needed to not feel.Once clean I realized that I had hurt so many ppl and the only way to live my life guilt free ( Or as free as possible) was to own up to my mistakes and make ammends to those I had harmed. The world may never fogive me for some of my mistakes so today I try to be honest and know that I have forgiven myself, I have forgiven others and my higher power has forgiven me.If you have any idea of what happened to or where this child can be found I ask you to search your heart and tell someoneJT

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  31. The man who did this could be on here and watching everything I wish people like this didn't exist I been reading and learning a out all this today I'm glued to it I even cried I've been into the Ramsey case since I was 8 its sad there's people like this my names Alexandrea prayers to you and yours

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  32. I see. I remember a news reporter Rita Williams- at the 2012 (?) ribbon tree gathering- showing a copy of a Shermantine letter to someone in high position (Keener?) and mentioning the letter said he referred to Castro Valley & Hayward wells.- Has there been any follow up ? Details are a bit fuzzy I’ll see if I can find a news link

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  33. It is a relief to hear this terrible direction is not the strongest lead in Michaela’s missing case. I’m beginning to think the digs might have stopped because of waiting for Shermantine’s execution or death by natural causes. Purposeful delays would be time and cost effective.

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  34. p.s.The map locations are already drawn & in legal custody. Looking good over conservation in budget/money issues continue. Families of missing continue to be kept in cruel suspense.Will these victims ever have their voice heard?

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