It is Christmas Eve. This is the 22nd Christmas that I have spent without you…..
I know I haven’t been around here much lately, haven’t written much lately. This year has been a very difficult year. It started out completely raw, filled with a grief that engulfed and consumed. There is only so long you can live in that state, though. Then you have to move into the denial, into the burial of the feelings. Distraction, distraction, let me think about anything, let me look at anything except for this thing that is so dazzling, let me even feel pain as long as it is fake, made up, as long as it is not this thing that wants to swallow me whole.
If you are out there, alive, you probably know what I mean. And if you are not, you probably have an even greater understanding.
This Christmas Eve … well, I’m sitting here alone right now. There are people home, but they are not here. And I don’t feel joy. I don’t feel excitement or anticipation. I just feel sadness. It’s a time for tears.
I know … well, maybe this doesn’t help you. Maybe I’m just supposed to be strong and yada yada, to make you want to come out if you are out there. But the heck with what I’m supposed to be. I only am what I am. I am sad. I miss you.
Merry Christmas, baby girl,
I love you forever.