I don’t pray for God to tell me what happened to Michaela. It’s not that this has never crossed my lips, of course. In moments of pure desperation I have begged for God to give me the answers. And I have, for absolutely certain, prayed that if she was still alive that God would bring her home. But if she is not, if she is at peace somewhere, God can just let me know when and if he wants to, when and if he figures I can handle it, and I’m not going to dictate the terms of that because I really don’t know … I don’t know the truth, don’t know what I would learn, and I don’t know if I’m prepared for it even yet.
So I just wanted to get that out of the way, because I know it’s the first thing everyone will jump on when I talk about my prayers, because I am going to tell you that God has pretty amazingly and lovingly answered my prayers in the last few months. Honestly, I was just focusing my prayers on one thing that was causing me considerable (if undeserved) distress. I told God, this is all I’m asking for. And slowly but surely God took hold of it, dragged it up some mountain sides and across some seas, and brought it to a good place.
So that was a “this is all I ask” sort of prayer. Now I’m kind of hesitantly branching out. Is it cheating, after telling God that was all I wanted from him, to now ask for him to touch a few other things? Well, if so, we can just stick with that first thing, but if not …
First of all, I would like to know what God wants me to do — for him! This is not as unselfish as it sounds, by the way. If you look at it another way, it is nothing more than asking God to help me find my path. In the last few months, I have experienced an internal spiritual revolution. I just cannot accept the “narrow road to salvation” concept. I believe God loves us and longs for us and draws us to him along many paths. I believe God loves love, and he accepts and applauds us when we are able to open our hearts and love another, and it doesn’t matter if you are gay or straight. I believe that most of us simply don’t, and can’t, know The Truth, but that we have the opportunity to grow, to evolve, to learn from all the people and things that God puts in our path in this life, if we (again) are able to open our hearts and embrace these experiences … even when they are sometimes difficult, because if we can’t do that we will likely miss out on the ones that are just plainly, purely magnificent. But the bottom line is that I do still believe in God, in spirit and mystery. I do still talk to God, and he talks to me, and I have nothing but peace in my heart as a result of my spiritual (r)evolution. Yet I know there is somewhere I have to go, something I have to do. Which paths, which disciplines, will help me get there?
There are a couple of other areas in my life that could use God’s blessing as well, and I’m praying for those. I do believe, I have seen, his gracious hand, his loving desire to answer our prayers. And I promise, I will let you know how it goes.
Thank you, God.