It is really disconcerting how things can change. You get up one morning and at the end of the day the whole world has changed. Sometimes it’s bad, and that’s what we live in fear of. But it can be good as well. Loves can be found as well as lost, jobs gained. The stock market can dive, or you can hold the winning lottery ticket. But the point is that our world, our lives, which seem so stable, are actually very precariously balanced.
It is even more disturbing when the changes take place inside yourself. We expect not to have control over the outside world, but we doggone well control our inner world, don’t we? We know who we are, what we are, and our lives are as stable as a rock for better or for worse. But then the planets align, the earth shifts on its axis, and we wake up one day and the landscape has changed and we see everything differently.
Of course, this can be good. For me, I passed my birthday and the entry into a new year (and a new decade) on the same day last week. It is difficult for me to explain what happened, but it felt as though a rubber band snapped in my mind, and it jolted me right out of where I’d been. It was good because I had been suffering from a crushing, energy-sapping depression for a few months now, and suddenly I was filled with energy and optimism. But my thought patterns had changed also, and that was scary because it was such a departure from who I knew myself to be. And what was even scarier was the thought that if it could happen to me, it could happen to anyone. That makes the world a little scary.
My depression this year was well earned, with all that went on with Michaela, with the soaring hopes and crushing disappointments, with the exhaustion that rose out of the massive international media attention her case got, having to keep east coast schedules on the west coast, and having to talk, talk, talk, and answer the same questions over and over again, tell stories for the hundredth time as though I’d never told them before. It was what it was, had its purposes, was necessary. Who knows where it will lead. But it left me a basket case, and I am so glad that weight has lifted!
I don’t know what 2010 will hold, but it feels as though it will be a year of great changes, and it feels as though it will be good. Will I find Michaela? I don’t know. Will I find peace? I hope so.