Welcome to Seeker’s Road. As I begin this website, I am still packing for many journeys myself, as a mom to five now grown up children and to one child who has been missing for decades now, as a survivor of stage 3C breast cancer, and as an eternal seeker of the meaning of it all. If there is a reason I am here it is in the quote featured above: “Tell the story of the mountain you climbed. Your words could become a page in someone else’s survival guide.”
If someone had told me when I was 21 what I would have to go through in life, I would never have believed it possible. Parenting has been the greatest surprise to me. I could never have anticipated the ferocity of the love it brought with it, ferocious enough to lift me high above anything else I have ever experienced; ferocious enough also to crush my soul and leave my heart broken. But here I am. Still standing. Still, somehow, giving myself over to love, and to faith. In my fight against breast cancer, I have wandered into my own mortality, and yet I continue to live, and again I continue to love. In the memoir of his own death from lung cancer, When Breath Becomes Air, Paul Kalanithi writes about how he and his wife decided to have a child after his terminal diagnosis. His wife had worried that having a child would make dying more difficult for him. His response? “Wouldn’t it be great if it did.” His message at the end of the book to his daughter is heart wrenching. You can find it in a blog I wrote as I was finishing my own chemotherapy and witnessing from afar as a friend passed away from breast cancer.
At the top of this page you will see the index to the various pages on this site. Please, please be sure to visit my Blog page, where you can follow the adventures in the making. Also included are reviews of various books that have touched me deeply. An index to blogs by subject is included at the bottom of the right hand column of this page.
Dear Michaela links to the blog I have kept for years for my daughter, Michaela, who was kidnapped on November 19, 1988, and has never been found. Regardless of statistics, there have been a number of abducted children and adults who have come home after having been captive for many years, so we know it happens, and in recent years I have received emails from Russia, Iran, and the United States that say she is alive, and in the United Arab Emirates. I have no specific information, because follow up contacts with these people have gone awry in various ways, so it is not something that can be actively investigated. All I can do is try to reach out to Michaela, and on the Dear Michaela website I have provided detailed information about how she can get help if she is in the UAE. Until it is proven that she is not alive, I will continue reaching out to her, because if she is alive I believe she needs me, and I hope that my words and my continuing love will reach her. And honestly, I write about her because I want to keep her alive in this world. The one thing I can say for certain about Michaela is that she was a bright and shining light when she was here, and her light has continued to shine since she has been gone. Many have been drawn to that light, and for me it has led my way. I would not be where I am without Michaela. I would not be who I am without Michaela. If this website is about seeking, about our journeys through life, Michaela has been the start of many of my paths, from being the one whose tiny hand first grasped mine and called me “mama,” to being the one who taught me the true ultimate cost of love.
But beyond that, I just want you to remember her. Please. Keep her alive by keeping her in your living hearts.
Life is not without suffering. As I write this, California is burning. People are burying victims of the Las Vegas shooting. There are many trying to rebuild their lives after hurricanes. I myself am trying to figure out how to rebuild my life after my cancer journey, as I face the thirty year anniversary of my daughter’s kidnapping, as I try to figure out what my place is in the lives of my adult children and grandchildren, as I try to figure out who God is and what is this path I am on. But the journey continues, in the sunshine or in the rain. Perhaps we can hold hands for awhile and walk together, lean when we are weak or lost, support each other when we are strong, or at least stronger.
Thank you again for just being here, and welcome. I hope you will stay.
Let’s fly, shall we?
I would be very grateful if you would consider becoming a patron of this website. Just click on the link above for more information. A personal thank you will be sent to anyone who becomes a patron at $10 or more, and those who become patrons at $25 or more will be sent chapters of the books I am writing as they are finished, and I will be happy to entertain your comments and suggestions! You will also receive a signed copy of the book, addressed to you, when it is published.